Podcast
Features
Comments From Brian’s Funeral Photos by Jake Warga |
(This piece aired on PRI’s This American Life, 03/15/2003)
Notes from Jake Warga, 6/11/01
“No one will really know what Brian was thinking or feeling. The only tools I had to make sense of what he was going through was a recorder and my ear. I soon realized that if I could not change him, then I was going to document the experience. In July of ’99, I went to visit him after he attempted suicide, I clipped a mic on him and simply asked: why?
I’m not a professional radio producer… I’m a friend. I chose radio because I don’t think it’s important what Brian looks like, his emotions come through in his voice. When you close your eyes, you hear Brian, but you can see anyone. Maybe someone you know, maybe someone you love, maybe yourself. Television robs you of that potential connection, that potential intimacy.
 Brian |
One night last month, his brother called me to say that Brian was dead. None of us could say we didn’t see it coming, but that did little to soften the blow. I flew down the next day and the two of us worked on taking care of things. I gave him, and their cousin, a tape of the story. They were touched and thanked me greatly for doing it.
This is the second version of the story. The first cut I made was for Brian. In the ending, I simply stated that I didn’t know if he were getting better or not. It was my way of reaching out to him, now it has been my way of closure. He asked that no one we knew hear the tape unless he were dead, then he wouldn’t care.
When I moved to Seattle last year, a friend and I did a story called “Street Dogs” that aired on KUOW. I called the station and they asked me to shape “Brian” to 23 min. This is the version here. It hasn’t aired yet. I had to do most of the work over again since I had little idea about how to edit without blundering my way through – so I turned to the Internet and found transom.org. I used a lot of their tips in editing, and though I still don’t know exactly how it works, I didn’t loose any files this time.
In this second version of the story, I talked more about how his death affected me. Because it is a personal story for both of us. I’ve experienced the loss of people older than I, but never a friend. And in the end, this is still, and always will be, a gift to my friend Brian.”
A Note From Transom
We at Transom think this is a strong story for many reasons. It is intensely personal, as Jake says, “a gift,” but it reaches out too. It stops you. It has identity.
We also feel strongly about this piece because it proves the point of Transom.org. It was made independently with the help of tools found here and now stands on this stage. We think this is important. We hope Jake keeps making pieces, so that someday he can say he *does* work in public radio.
Producer Bio
Jake Warga – I’m afraid I don’t have much to contribute about my career in Radio as I don’t actually work in radio. This is the first story I’ve produced, one of three (Editor’s Note: more will be featured on Transom.org in the future). Another story I did with a friend (Matt Perry) was about homeless street kids with dogs here in Seattle; “Street Dogs” aired on KUOW in April.
I love the radio and grew up listening to old time radio shows on KNX 1070 in L.A. each evening in high school. Then in college I gained a healthy addiction to NPR. After college I worked on feature horror films in Hollywood as a camera tech; it’s then I started bothering the sound department for information and tips. I ended up falling in love with MiniDiscs.
Next I moved to Seattle for no reason in particular aside from going back to school for health science. I tired of that after 6 months, though chemistry was fun to learn. With my Mac lap-top , the cheapest mixer I could find, ProTools Free, and a rainy day, I retreated and started editing. Now I’m waiting to start grad school in the fall for Visual Anthropology. Ideally, I will travel and write, documenting people and cultures as I go.
I was lucky enough to catch When Brian Took His Life on This American Life while driving in my car this afternoon. I’m not a producer or writer just a listener who was very moved by Brian explaining his pain and you attempting to understand it. I was in a place very similar to Brian more than a decade ago now and for me it was very comforting to hear someone explain for me to others the difficult time I’d been through. I kept hoping his story would have a surprise/hollywood-style ending…but sharing it like you are, I think really can help others have a different ending. Thanks for making this piece (and please make more)!
I was deeply moved by Brain’s story. I like it just the way it is. It is hanuting and beautiful and thought-provoking, but I have some questions I would like answered.
When Brian said he had contracted a disease whose prognosis was not good, what did he mean?
He was funny and smart—and humble. He could write. Why didn’t he work harder at finding the right outlet?
Can an otherwise normal person have an overwhelming will do die that is independent of cause or reason?
Thank you very much for this beautiful piece.
John Battle
Thank you for making this.
It is bound to have a connection with so many people.
Who among us hasnt looked out on this violent, crazy, loveless world and thought, I am not meant for this. I cant do this. Who hasnt thought that?!!
Brian’s story is compelling because there’s a bit of Brian’s life in a lot of us. This is a peek in the common dark. Maybe this story, will help some of us realize while we may be alone, we’re together alone.
I wanted through this whole story to give Brian a hug. It’s a reminder to give someone else a hug, to be kinder. We’re all struggling.
This is powerful work. Thanks for sharing it.
I was working in my garage this Sunday when this story came on air following a favorite local acoustic music show. I usually listen to Living on Earth after the show every Sunday and am often moved, but this time I was moved to tears. As I write my eyes are still watering. This story touched me deeply for a few reasons.
One, is that through my 44 years I have often thought of suicide at particularly down times. After my separation ten years ago I came the closest. Sitting in my living room with the stripped bare wires from an extension chord wrapped around each wrist, the only thought which stopped me from inserting the plug into a socket was of my then five year old son. I thought of how much I would miss of his live and what he would go through during his life knowing his father took his own life. My son is now 16 years old and coincidentally, his 16th birthday is the same date that I am listening to this story airing. He also has had thoughts of suicide and most recent has engaged in self mutilation.
I do not believe that these are coincidences; my brush with suicide, my son’s demons and today being his birthday. I am totally convinced that the universe (maybe even with Brian’s help) is beating me on the head with a hammer to awaken me. His mother is custodial and also in control of the insurance with which we need to obtain psychiatric help for him. She has been stubborn and slow moving mainly due to her obsession with blame. It took me 4 weeks to obtain the names of Psychotherapists from her who were on the health insurance plan and I made calls immediately. In speaking with her to discuss a suitable doctor she could only cast blame and project anger at who ever she could, I could not get her to discuss help for our son. I finally became firm and told her that if she wished to call his school or whoever and argue and blame she was free to do so, but right now my only concern is our son. THIS was most important. She hung up the phone on me and will not discuss it further. Without her help I cannot obtain the proper authorization to get him help. I have tried public clinics but they are over booked and I make too much money. THAT was funny, too much money for public help but not enough for private. Sound familiar? It’s the middle class blues. Listening to this story made me realize that I needed to do what ever it would take to get him help and will do so even if it takes involving law enforcement.
Thank you Jake and most of all, thank you Brian. I feel much sorrow for the loss of Brian but hope that through his story others will find what they need to seek help as I feel I have.
I was moved to hear Brian’s story… in some ways it was not much different from mine – except I survived and have thus far (7 years later) gone on to build a brand new life. As I listened, my heart kept crying out – "Brian, hang in there. Life can get better." I was very saddened to realize that message was already too late.
I can only speak from my own experience. Life after suicide is possible – it’s tough, it’s scary, it’s too often too near the edge for comfort, but it is possible. It seems as though there out to be more to say – but it’s a dark, dark place and only those who’ve been there can appreciate just how dark it is. I will say, God loves his children – in particular those who most often through no fault of their own have gotten lost in that dark.
Alan
I liked the show but could not help wondering if he was dying of a physical disease? Does anyone know? What did Brian do? What are the specifics of Brians depression?
I listened to the piece several hours ago and I feel worse than I’ve felt in a long time. I’d say I feel depressed, but the word depression does not do a good job of describing the grey sluggish weight within me and the distance that it creates between me and the world. Brian’s story moved me, but I don’t understand how anyone can feel better after hearing it. I’ve struggled with depression for over ten years now and while I’d like to say that I’m doing better than ever, I don’t dare say that because of the fear that a deep depression will return. I just have no way of knowing. I know that other people also suffer from depression, and it broke my heart to hear Brian’s voice on the tape because I can hear all the pain, and I can completely relate to it. I know that feeling of hopelessness. Depression is powerful and some people don’t escape. Brian didn’t escape it, it killed him. I loved the piece and am not criticizing Jake for sharing it with an audience, but I am really surprised to read that other people were comforted by it. For me it was a reminder of how awful life can be. The funny thing is that I’ve been doing really well and if you met me, you probably wouldn’t realize that depression is a part of my life. Sometimes even I forget how bad it used to be. Hearing this piece brought it all back and reminded me that it’s never really gone. (Of course, writing this all down DOES make me feel better. Thanks for listening.)
The reason this needs to be heard, is because there are hundreds of folks that are in Brian’s same boat. I’m nearly there. I’ll likely end up in the same place soon. The last thing I want is to hurt anyone besides myself. He (Brian) eloquently phrases the need to go. I applaud the author’s acceptance. I’m glad he showed why it’s not always vindictive or self serving. Sometimes it’s a matter of chemistry that, in spite of psychopharma whatever, people can’t cure.
Jake,
It was a gorgeous spring morning here in NY. My lovely funny boys were in the next room with friends laughing, the noise of small boys engergy pulsing thru the house. In my bedroom I had TAL on..and your story. I stopped. Sitting on the bed with the pale white curtains blowing into the room the smells of the first true spring day. I listened. As Brian spoke my heart broke a little. I thought whathe said about being ‘a baby with failure to thrive and that he would die from delayed Sudden Infant Death SYndrome" was one of the saddest thing I had ever heard a person say. How utterly loveless he felt. I wept sitting on my bed as you talked of his death. I am so thankful you gave him a voice. You accomplished what you set out to do. I hear his voice still in my head.
Thank you all for the new postings. Brian’s brother and I listened together to the broadcast Friday, then I heard it again driving back from dropping him off at the airport on Sunday. I had not heard it for a while myself and memories of Brian came flooding back. I sat in my rental car in the rain listening, the sun had come out by the end.
Saturday night I went to a book signing for an author I admire, Phil joined me after. We were a bit wiggy still and I suggested we asked ANYONE who was in the signing audience what they thought about the story (assuming it was the TAL-listening crowd). Second person I asked did, as did his companion. They had invited the guest author to coffee, so the five of us sat for a long time talking about radio, books, traveling and life. It felt like six, like Brian was with us.
Thank you all for sharing your personal stories, I know there are hundreds out there, Brian’s was only one. I encourage people to e-mail each other as well, to branch out a support community. Here are some links for anyone who might need more support than a discussion board for a public radio show can offer:
http://www.save.org/
http://www.yellowribbon.org/ (teens)
Pete: in answer, the terminal illness Brian referred to was his depression, he was not dying of anything specific per-se. There is no one reason why Brian killed himself, life is too complicated for that. This was one night on a bench.
Dave C: Whap! There’s another beat on your head.
Rt: Sorry you feel bad, this is not a ‘band-aid’ story, it injured me as well. I can only hope to never do a story like it again. Keep writing, contact someone from this board if you’d like.
I have been fighting depression for most of my life but none as chronic as Brian’s. I understand the darkness though and feel the pain it contains. I have many hurdles in helping my son; his mother’s selfishness and closed mind, a system which seems to look for blame rather than assistance and being middle class (too rich for public assistance but too poor to pay for it all). But I will do what I need to to help my child. But most of all, I will be his friend and support.
He, as everyone who is in the darkness, needs to believe that they ARE lovable and necessary. And to those who read this and can not see the light for the darkness, I can only say, "search and search some more, you ARE lovable, likable and NECESSARY to life". It is difficult, I know, but very possible. Hang in there RT, keep fighting for it is when we are at the lowest, when we feel there is no more, when we feel we need to give up that the universe shows us the inner strength to fight like we never have. And if you need a friend please write.
Through support we find light. Call it what you will but belief is what controls life.
On 11/27/00 at approx. 5 pm, my son, who was just 30 years old, left his apartment and walked about 7 blocks to the tallest building in our town, which is 14 stories tall. He got on the roof somehow and jumped off the building and landed in the street. On his way to the building, he passed the entrance to my building where I was just leaving to meet a policeman and some social workers at his apartment. I was planning on having him committed, by force, if necessary. I had made up my mind that I would lie or manipulate the system to get him into a mental ward to get him some help. The last time that I saw my son, was when he walked in front of the entrance to my building. I called after him to wait. I couldn’t catch up to him because of an injury to my foot and he went around the corner. By the time I got to the corner he was gone. He had looked over his shoulder back at me but didn’t stop.
I thought that he had got wind of the fact that I was planning to commit him and so I turned and got my car and drove to his apartment. I thought that I could persuade the workers or the cop to try to find him. They did not have much interest and so I spent the next hour or so checking the bus station, the train station and the airport to see if I could find him. I gave up and went home. I figured that he would show up sooner or later. My wife and I were on our way to meet some friends for dinner when I got a call on my cell phone from the Coroner.
I bring this up not so much as I want to share my story with others, but that I never knew what it was that drove my son to do this. I know generally that he was very mentally ill and that he was tortured by auditory and, in the end, visual hallucinations. But what I did not know was what may have been going on in his head that would have drove him on. I always had the idea that I could have talked him out of it, if I had just caught up with him. That’s why the story of Brian was so moving for me. I was attracted to the story because it seemed to give me some insight into what people who kill themselves think about. I cannot say that my son’s thoughts were as clear as Brian’s, but I think that they were similar. It brought tears to my eyes to hear Brian talk about the fact that he did not want to live just to make others happy. I am grateful for the chance to hear this story. Thank you.
Jake,
Strictly content oriented, no technical or production advice here:
While Brian and I share the same religious tradition, what we share even more intimately is that feeling of a "failure to thrive." I do appreciate hearing Brian say those words, I had been searching for them. No one I know has understood my feelings of deep darkness, of loneliness, of inadequacy to the task of life. And how surprised I am, in discussions with others, that they don’t have the same feelings of sadness and dispair that I do. Not everyone has these experiences, not everyone "gets it." (I can’t imagine the brightness that inhabits a life without this familiar dispair.) Thank you so much for this work, it meant so much for me to hear it, gave me some clarity, gave me a language to use, gave me a sense of companionship in my loneliness. How truly overwhelmed I was with the beauty of his words … It had a very personal impact on me.
But on a larger scale, for those who really don’t "get it," I think this piece, Jake, is a perfect postmodern answer to our desire to fix what is still part of the mystery beyond our science. There are still things beyond our ken and beyond our reach that we are helpless but to witness. Thanks again for bearing witness to both Brian’s beauty and tragedy.
Jake, thanks for making this piece. Its timing was ironic. My brother committed suicide on 3/5/03. I could here my brother’s voice in Brian, so many similarities.
I heard "Brian’s Story" this past Friday (3/14) while visiting in Chicago . . . I stopped what I was doing, stood still and went back in time a couple of years – listening.
As a parent I have a son who has attempted suicide – more than once. He is on medication and has finally started going to a counselor. He is a survivor and we are so very proud of him because it has taken strength that is beyond our comprehension. The healing process from the brain disorders of mental illness is a tortuously long and slow journey for the individual and the family members.
In "hearing" Brian I "saw" our son – bright, handsome, polite, talented with a keen wit and good sense of humor but ill in a way that too many people do not understand. As a result of our son’s experience we have become active with an organization called NAMI . . . it provides education, information, and support. Without it we would still be stumbling around in the dark. The brain disorders of mental illness are just as chronic and potentially fatal as your other major medical illness (i.e. – diabetes and cardiac problems). The importance of bringing it "out of the shadows" has been recognized on a national level. Opportunities to discuss the brain disorders of mental illness openly ARE important. Thank you, Jake, for providing this opportunity . . . and as a faithful listener to NPR your production of it caught and held my attention. "Ya done good, Jake – keep it up"!
An excellent story that was moving and emotional. I thought the music added a great deal to the piece. I am trying to strain my brain trying to figure the title of the impressionist-Ravel-Faure piano piece used about 11 minutes into the interview…please let me know the title. And also the music at the beginning and end of the piece. It wasn’t cheasy at all!…I liked your concept of coming full circle with the music also. Great piece.
My 17yr old daughter has attempted suicide twice and the second time was very close. I found her her in my hallway and only by luck got her to a hospital. I am a single dad and it was easy for me to hear a lot of my daughter in Brians voice. Unlike Brian, Em is outgoing and popular. Her grades are excellent. But she can very quickly fall into a darkness where here accomplishments are either worthless or far short of her own expectations. To some way I have resigned myself to the knowledge that there is nothing I can do to gaurentee her safety and that when I least expect it at some time when I am unable to be there: I may get the news I am unable in the end to prevent. Thank you for your story.
Just when I think there will be no more comments on this board…wow.
I’ve gotten a lot of people contacting me directly about this story. Recently received a photo of someone’s 17yo son who committed suicide, I’m touched every time someone reaches out. Thank you all. Thanks to these discussions and listener comments, I’m now proud of what I did, and can only hope never to do something like it again.
Piano solo: Jean-Philippe Collard Ravel: Piano Concerto Capitol Records
The others were Moby and vocals Saint Etienne.
You made me cry. I just passed a five-year anniversary of the complicated loss of someone close to me to incomprehensible suicide. I knew my little brother felt the ways I hear Brian express, but until hearing this recording, I did not absorb that understanding.
Much appreciation. Suicide is without explanation. Thank you for making it clear that it is not black and white, it is colored with neverending grays.
Yours and Brian’s voices are the voices of so, so many who have endured, or not endured, a variation on this theme.
I heard this story twice in the past. Today, I truly felt it. Perhaps because I have been contemplating suicide. I am tired. I have never truly felt safe and secure. I have felt ignored by God. I have a GPA of 4.0 and still feel useless. I hope Brian is at peace now. For some reason, I feel Brian was brave. I have never lessened my pain through alcohol or drugs. This is simply a fact not a comparison. I am tired of masking my pain for the benefit of my parents and others. I pray no one reading this will ever feel my
pain.
Thank you Jake for such a moving story. My husband suicided two years ago. It really helped me to hear Brian talk. I felt like it was Bob who was talking to me. I can’t be sure but I think he probably felt like Brian did in many ways. And a sad smile came to me when you said that you thought Brian might "snap out of it" after he heard the tape. How many times did I think the same thing. How naive I was. How sorry i am now that I did not recognize what was happening. I have found lots of help in a survivor’s support group that meets once a month. This week I took a CD of your TAL story and played it for the group. We had a really good discussion about how it related to our loved ones. I especially wanted the mothers to hear Brian say that he thought his father had done a fine job raising him. We all struggle with our own doubts and fears…
I wanted you to know that you and Brian have provided me a little more insight to what might have been going on inside Bob’s head and heart. And that has lightened my pain ever so slightly. Thanks again for reaching us.
Today is May 14, 2005-I am not sure what the status is with your daughter but, please know that I feel for you. My daughter was 23 yrs. old when she completed suicide;it was completelyy unexpected and if only I could erase the day I got the phone call saying that she was dead-I cherish her memory and hope you and your daughter are doing well.
Linda-Mary’s Mom
And I wish I was around when Brian left on the night you worked with him.
Love, William O’Black
Please put Brian’s audio back up.
I have been wondering if I should be here ever since a botched suicide attempt in 1995. Even now I have written pans for my funeral: music, flowers,etc.
I wish that I could find a way to make the pain stop. Maybe Brian had it right.
Is it possible for there to be people who are incapable of extended periods of joy and happiness? Like iabetics can’t process sugar, can some people never feel real joy?
I’m sorry to announce, if there is still a discusion going here, that one year ago this month, Brian’s brother, Phil, jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and ended his life. We had become friends, and this time I am angry. He left no notes.
ATC will be airing a piece about him 11/25.
Will post at PRX after it airs.
I’m sorry.
J.W.
[This gets rather personal, so if you don't want to read that, please skip over this.]
Jake –
I just heard this piece, first from browsing through the TAL archives, then the original here. I would be interested in hearing the first, longer version, if you still have it.
I checked the MPR and NPR archives of ATC 11/25/05, and didn’t see the piece about Phil. But I found your post on PRX – http://www.prx.org/pieces/7533 – and from there, the 11/29/05 ATC piece, here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5031520. I was unable to listen to the former, because the stream kept dropping. The latter worked, though. I remembered it from when it aired.
Hearing Brian’s voice was very familiar to me; the analogies (including SIDS), the almost-cracking sound of his voice. That’s me, six years ago. Less. I understand it.
It’s good to hear that publically, and to hear someone trying to really listen. I would imagine that, for someone who’s not been there, it’s very difficult to empathize with – or even to deal with at all, since it has the potential to be so hurtful. I’m sorry you had reason to make a sequel.
As for the ‘why’ – in my experience, it becomes to a great degree irrelevant. Inapplicable. I also had the suite of therapy and drugs, with the result that my psychiatrist called me one day with a sort of ‘dear john’ message, saying he couldn’t do anything for me. And I tried other things, of course.
The problem is – somewhat funny in its own morbidly recursive way – that that degree of depression becomes self-generating. Most of your resources go towards just coping with pain, and it gets worse. The only points I remember in contrast to this – and they stand out very starkly – were when I felt loved, or felt anyone really trying to empathize or show affection. Which is what you’re doing in this piece. That is, perhaps, the best thing you could do.
In my case, it wasn’t enough. I eventually had what I suppose amounts to a major break. It was, in its way, a sort of death; a forced release into allowing myself to feel the pain I had been blocking. I woke the next day almost empty, feeling nothing at all. The next few weeks were very eerie, very zen. I felt like a different person, albeit one with the same memories and body and skills as the person who died that day. I still do.
I think, though, that I needed that. Affection and empathy didn’t change my progress, it only gave me some brief respite, a chance to breathe and taste a bit of almost-happiness. It reminds me of Brian saying how he hadn’t cried in so long; how he’d tried, but couldn’t. How he wanted to.
It’s that release that, ultimately, is what I needed. It didn’t come about from help from others, but just because I was too weak to help myself. It wasn’t at all … pleasant; in fact, I’m not sure why it didn’t just make me go crazy. It hurt enough that had I had the strength during it, I would gladly have killed myself just to make it stop. But it helped where nothing else did.
Since then, I’ve been genuinely happy for the first time; learned joy; learned many other things that, looking back, I know that the then-me couldn’t have. I’m glad to have ‘died’, and to have had the chance to really live.
I feel that friends *can* give this – by offering a safe space to release, offering empathy and nonjudgement, even about the very desire to die. By not just passing the buck, to a therapist or a mental ward or whomever else. Professionals. It’s not a guarantee, but you never get that.
So, Jake… you offered Brian that, and for myself, I thank you for it.
- Sai
Now that they are talking about suicide barriers on the bridge, has anyone ever heard of someone on a bike who was BLOWN over the railing by the wind? Or is this an urban legend?
People can relate to the underlying human base of the story. You can hear it in his voice. The emotion that an actor could never capture. The part of life that is the most mystical to me are emotions. How wonderful or haunting they can be. What they can do when they are ultimately nothing.
Holy sh*t. This is so sad. Brian’s voice vibrates within me still. This is so profound, so beautifully tragic. This is so sad.
I’ve listened to the story nearly so many times in the past couple of weeks. Its become some type of source of solace. I wish I could’ve known Brian. I’m starting to become a bit shy over my attachment in this story Thank you for the opportunity to hear it. I’m going to my first session with a psychologist this next week. Scary stuff, ya know?